Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was pregnant.
Side note: Originally, that sentence was “Two nights ago, I dreamt I was pregnant.” Spellcheck tells me “dreamt” isn’t word though. You learn new things everyday!
So anyway, in my dream two nights ago, I was pregnant. It was quite a vivid dream. I was in my second trimester, because I was showing and I remember touching my belly in wonder. I also remember my panic – I was worrying about all the things I wouldn’t get to do (ST and I wanted to go to Japan next summer), how we’d have to delay paying off all our loans, and how we’d have to delay our plans for buying a place. I remember being really worried and I woke up feeling very anxious and touching my stomach to confirm there was no baby bump there, just fat. For a moment, I was scared that my dream was real.
Don’t get me wrong – I like babies. I love you and you don’t even exist yet. But, I’m scared of being a mom. I’m terrified of screwing you up because I don’t have everything together yet. Your grandma was 26 when she had me (she got married at 23 and had 3 years with your grandpa). They were excellent parents, but I do wish they had done some things differently. I think a lot of the things they did wrong could be attributed to the fact that they didn’t think about what kind of parent they wanted to be, they just became parents. I’m scared to death that you’ll be a brat, or that you’ll be weird and mean (like a lot of kids I know), or that you’ll grow up to hate me.
Before dim sum, tío Tommy changed his shirt so he could match grandpa and your dad. So cute.
I think this all started when your Abuelos and grandparents had dim sum with us last week. Somehow, we got on the topic of having kids and both sets of grandparents declared they wanted a grandson or grandsons. This kind of freaked me out because in my heart of hearts, I want you to be a healthy baby girl.
I grew up with two sisters and it was awesome. We’ve been together through the best and worst of times. I’ve never had to worry about birthdays, graduations, or even my wedding. I knew my sisters would be there to support me through everything. That’s what I want for you.
Then, this past weekend, I saw some old friends at a friend’s wedding. I got to catch up with our former pastor Tom and his wife Grace. They have an adorable 6-year-old son who calls me “auntie.” Grace and I got a chance to catch up and inevitably the conversation turned to babies and when we were planning on having one.
Side note: The wedding was at the New York Fire Museum. It was pretty cool. We’ll have to take you there someday.
“Hello” by Martin Solveig was playing and tío Tommy and your dad would wave every time the girl sang “hello.” What a ridiculous song.
Is this Carlton Banks or tío Tommy?
Why does everyone have babies on their minds?